Top Floor, Please.

   One of my darkest secrets I have never revealed to the world is that I suffer from Manic Depression. This on two separate occasions has come close to ending the life I lead today. Something I tell people is that I have in fact seen how deep I am willing to go. I have in previous blog post mentioned this.

   Depression is something that runs in my family. As well as many other afflictions of the brain do: Schizophrenia, Dementia, and Alzheimer's. We really did get crap luck on the mental facilities. This doesn't mean that I haven't questioned mental health down the road. It's a question that once in a while pops up.

   So, I really exercise my brain. I am a fan of crosswords and puzzle games. I do as well love to read.  I feel I do well at these task. To say the least. It's a question that does both worry myself and even more so, make me take precautions. This is a good reminder for someone of my mental constituency.

  One of the reasons I am writing this. Being a heavy need to check my mental state. Everyone should. It's a good way to make sure you have been making fair and important judgements with the best of your ability. Nothing is wrong with a mental check up!

  I'm sure the main question that has at least passed your mind has been: do I have depression attacks? I do indeed. In moments when I am alone and at night. Especially in the winter time. All of these being key times when depression occurs.

   "Winter time is not for the lonely. It always hits to the heart." - "Winterheart" - Niki and the Dove
  
  Being left alone with my thoughts; sometimes it devours me. I have a good deal of insecurities that do in fact haunt me. Failure, trust, and relationship type things. These thoughts do cross my mind.

  My grandmother always said "Busy Hands aren't Idle Hands." That's really how I deal with my depression. I really take initiative and do a task to keep my mind busy. That's why crafts and art are in my resume.  Sometimes it can be a little much to bear. It does get me down. Sometimes it's even an uphill battle.

  It's something that plagues a better part of the US. In a society where so much is put on perfection, fitting in, and gender roles. It's a no brainer why it exist on such a large scale. 

  Some may say that medication would be a route I should consider. I honestly I lived 25 years with such an affliction and have taken measures necessary to combat it. I feel that I shouldn't deviate from a path when methods exist in place, and work.

  Many great people have existed on this planet with such issues and illnesses. They have as well made great people out of themselves. Take C.S. Lewis for example. He wrote beloved children's books while being Schizophrenic. It should never be looked down on when such achievements exist. So, I do not look at this affliction as a curse. More so, as a way to work towards being a better person. By overcoming my weaknesses.
  

  

Goonies Never Say Die!

   So, for a year now I have been a smoker. Yes. I do like to smoke tobacco. I like the taste of cigarettes overall. Especially, my Camel No. 9s. Wonderful. Plus, I think it does make me seem 30% cooler.

  I don't think I've ever share my story of why I started to smoke. You know? Love is a wonderful crazy thing. It also is a vicious thing that destroys lives. In my life time, I haven't dated many folks. Overly a handful. I have slept with more? Highly. Which is just a human giving into primal urges. Nothing wrong with that.

  So, I met someone. She was fantastic in ways I don't think I could see a person as. I never shared much of what I thought. Which I think was a shame on my end. I think about her from time to time, but I will tell you what. Getting over someone that wonderful was hard. I did it. I faced demons I never imagined I'd slay and learned just about how far I'm willing to go to stop being in pain. It was crazy, stupid, and horrific. I hated every moment of it. I did get over it. It just took time.

  Sadly, one of the few remnants of that era of my life that follows me is smoking. Actually, it's probably the only thing I do from that time. I want to quit. I hurt when I think about it. Weirdly enough; I do. I think it would be me moving on. I think I need to fulfill this part of my life. I need to just stop, so I'm not living on your memory. You don't have that power over me.

  I've had some short but serious relationships this year. Met some wonderful folks and had adventures. Even some terrifying ones. Life is a roller coaster. I just feel... Maybe I should really let it all go. Just stop smoking and finally move on. That way I can actually try to sit down and connect with someone. Instead of feeling as though I cannot get close to another. Only because I feel that every time I let someone in. They destroy me further.

   This is why I force myself to be single. To get close to someone. Scares me. A grandiose amount! I would rather not even be involved in it. It's sad because everyone I have let in. In the past year. Has seriously hurt me. Made me feel like a sex project or fetish fulfillment.  Which, I am not! Not anymore. I'm strong.

Melancholy Life

  When I was younger my Grandmother use to always tell me "You font have to like your family. You do have to love them."

  It's not that I don't love my family. I do. I am and will always be a family oriented person. I think that is an important value. I mean, being alone is wonderful. I just like to think that it is nice to know someone out there loves you. It's a grandiose to tell someone you love them as well as just loving them. It improves life quality.

  As of late though, with all the hardships I have been enduring. I've come to realise people exist that are not family. That are people who treat me better than my family has. Does that make me sad? Yes. Disappointed? More so. These people have been courageous, enduring, and caring in times when I cannot be.

  I didn't get to spend the holiday with my family. I was sad about it. Very devastated to be honest. Just, things happened that have made myself feel. That I am not taken as serious as a person I should be. I'm tired of going out on a limb for my family and being met with not gratitude but as though it is just obligation.

  In my 25 years of life, I've done things that I shouldn't have had to do. For my family. Yet, I feel drained and used. I for a year of my life stepped aside from my life and many opportunities that would have taken my career and my life to better places. I was heartbroken about it, but why did I do it? My Grandmother was in the midst of a battle with Alzheimer's that took her life.

  Itself is terrible horrendous disease to watch manifest and slowly rip away someone you loved more than anything. Away from you. Can you do anything? No. You have to watch as the meds make them zombies. Watch as they struggle to make sense of the world around them. It's terrifying. They wander off, they keep you up for days on end, and they drain your overall ability to function.

  Why did I do this? That's what love for family is. I would have walked the earth and burned a world over to save her. One of the hardest things was watching as she forgot everyone else and just remembered me. It was weird. Saddening as well.

  Yet, my family was no where to be found. They didn't ask about her, they didn't call about her, and they didn't even help with her. They show up at the funeral in tears. I was disgusted.

  I'm bitter about it. As much as I am bitter about many other subjects. My family doesn't seem the bit interested in my health. Or helping me in what I want to say is a huge time of need for me.

  You know who has been there for me? My friends. My friends have been the best thing go happen to me. In more ways than one. Especially one of my friends. She has been the most caring, sincere, and amazing people to happen to me. I feel she goes out of her way daily to cheer me up. She has. She has made this whole ordeal manageable.

  The Christmas she gave me, was the best Christmas I've had in years. Sometime I haven't enjoyed since I was younger. Something I like to enjoy. She went out of her way to do this. I'm grateful for her everyday because the way she treats me. She has earned my loyalty forever.

  Christmas was a huge affirmation for me. I saw what a Christmas should be like. Not that my family wasn't on my mind the entire time. I just saw what being cared about means. Truly cared about. People I never dreamed of spending a holiday with and I did. It was a blast. The gifts, the fun, and the people made it worth while.

  I'm coming to terms with letting go of many issues, insecurities, and life mistakes. As well as trying to be hopeful about the future. It's scary right now, I don't know what to even think about. So many parameters and factors to process. Will I make the most of it? I plan on it. I do. I just hope I make it worthwhile.

I'm feeling capable of...

The title of this piece is from a favourite Euro electro-indie band: CHVRCHES. Yes, it is all capitalised. Not the point. The entire piece chorus being:

                 "I'm feeling capable of
                       Seeing the end
                  I'm feeling capable of
                           Saying it's over."                                                                                 
                 - Tether - CHVRCHES

The interesting feeling the song gives you I feel is: A coming to grips with the end of something. A loss of any kind. I'm going through a great deal of loss as of late. One of them being the loss of my apartment. Something I wished wasn't happening. Sadly, something I cannot change.

I remember the first night I spent in this place. It was literally myself, a coffee table, and clothes. I had a cell phone for music, playing cards, and pen/paper for writing. It was like that for a month. I wasn't doing anything but playing cards and listening to music. Something I like to now, yet I have like video games, telly, and a mass of other shit to do. 

Anyway, my neighbour walks in from across the hall. We live in a four family building. So, just four of us reside here. We have gotten close. I think they are all wonderful people. Whom I am glad to know. My favourite: Charlotte.

Charlotte is a very loud person. Like myself. Probably actually louder. If that is possible. She speaks her mind and just lays it down. Doesn't matter your opinion. She just says it. I like that about her. I'm very opinionated and so is she. She makes me food and loves to talk. Which I cannot lie. She makes the best soul food you'll put on your mouth. Her Greens...damn.

Well, on my first night Charlotte comes to my door and knocks. I get up and answer it. What do I see: Charlotte and in her hands the fattest blunt I've ever seen. No lie. She hands it to me and says "Have a good first night."

Well, not to be someone to be so impolite. I ask her to smoke it. We have a blast! That was the first of many nights; we did just that.

Well, here I am on my last night here. Watching Simpsons and what happens? Charlotte is at my door, with another fat ass blunt, and says "Have a good last night." She declined to smoke this one. I did. I had a blast. I really needed that. I started this place with so little. I built a life here. Now, I'm leaving home. I'm sad. I understand it has to happen. I think that is why I have become capable of letting go.

When Life Gives You Lemons...

  One thing I've always believed. Truly believed is that hard work will get you far. That's all I have done my life. Worked hard at so many things. Things I never imagined I'd do. I've finished. My life is riddled with mistakes and many other things I wish I had done differently. I've learned from those experiences.

"Experience is the name we give our mistakes." - Oscar Wilde.

I heard that the other day. It really hit me in a way I've really felt. Was true. All my experiences are more or less mistakes. I know this. I really want to make them more good. So good that I'll make myself proud. I've done it before but I don't know. This time. It's harder.

My life has become one I don't want to be a part of anymore. I sit day to day and watch others live life. Yet, I'm forced to be sit and watch. With little say I get in it. My body is so sore every day. I use to be able to walk 2 miles in 45 minutes. Yet now, a walk around the block. Just cripples me. I miss being active. They call it POTS: Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome. In their faces, I see uncertainty. I feel no one can grasp any main issue with me.

I feel because my life choice to be Trans* has made the system fail to see that clearly I am a person. I'm sadden that every action of recourse I have made to rectify the situation. Has been met with opposition and uncertainty. That really becomes a clusterfuck of everything. I can barely take care of myself anymore. Yet, I'm forced to handle all this paperwork and appointments. I can barely do it. Afterwards, my body trembles from how weak it has become.

I miss work. I miss being active. I use to run 1-2 miles a day. I was proud of myself. I made good money. I made ends meet and more. Now, my contribution to this nation. Hasn't been met. It's been denied. I feel like a second class citizen to the point it makes me regret being American.

I was always told: if you work hard, you'd be rewarded. I have continually worked hard. Yet, I'm told to fight. I'm tired of fighting. So tired. It's terrible to deal with my health and the other things.

I won't lie. I have a wonderful group of friends. Who I feel have stepped up and finished things for me. I wouldn't imagine people would do. They are simply the best. I cherish the time I have with them. I sometimes feel that I might not have much time. Other times, I'd disagree with the last sentence. It's worrisome.

I spend the night wide awake because I just can't sleep. Insomnia so bad, that I just wait to pass out from being tired. I make food, and eat so little because I'll bloat so bad. I'd rather be out of pain rather then eat. My bones crack/creak so much; getting up and down is a trial. Yet, I'm given Dicyclomine and Ibuprofen for my symptoms. Told to continue the treatment, regardless of the minimal improvement I haven't made.

I don't know what this is meant to get convey. Maybe a message that the system is broken. Maybe, I'm looking to see some change in the way we view and handle those whom are in need. Maybe, it is to open your eyes and let you understand. That when life gives you lemons. Sometimes it just is sour.

Treating Yourself Pretty: Part II

In the first installment of this two part series we discussed the difference of post-HRT integration into a society that relies on gender norms to gain any headway as a "societal person".  As if growing up with a collective marketed ideal of "Perfection" was not enough, correct?  This is where the phrase "Treat Yourself Pretty" comes from.  Easily gained from a suicidal tendency, I have gained from that phrase a sense of stability and a sense of purpose for myself. 


  It's truly about just doing what you need to do to be yourself in a world where being yourself is frowned upon.  Since using that phrase as a rallying banner to rise up, I've come to expect a different outlook on life as well as just in general be happy for myself.  So, coming from that stand point.  I like to have human company.  I find solace in the comfort of another human being who can let me live as free as my hair in their presence and accepts me for who I am.  Nothing more then that, I just want to be who I am and loved for it.  Which, in the past months I have gained a sense of myself as well as gained more indulgence in people who like me for myself.

   That has led to dating in a different way.  This is a privilege I have gained from hormones as well.  Men and women who find interest in me, do not second guess my gender.  Mainly we find common ground and build off of that, and learn to experience each other in casual conversations and gentle interaction.  Though, I do gain some "Chivalrous" privilege because my gender expression is more feminine than the male persona I so solemnly let out.  I guess you could say that in a sense I am percieved as a female and that gains some ground on the way I should be courted.  It is very reminiscent to that of a "50s" style of courtship that took place.  Both people gain roles that feel appropriate in and from that stems the mechanics that seem to work.  Though, no one person should fall into a role they do not feel appropriate with.  I know for myself, I don't always like to be the "Girl" and I think many people find my "Masculinity" to be very overpowering.  Though, I know I am a intense person and 90% of the time I know what I am want.  That means I just really normally do what I please and this can catch people off guard in those situations.

   Many things of my experiences have led me to understand the mechanics of gender roles, but one subject underneath the umbrella term of roles that is not really assessed as much as I feel it should be is "Dating Roles".  Which, I know from my experiences I have been on both sides of a monogamous relationship.  I have been the male and female in heterosexual-esque relationships.  As well as I have been the "Dominant" and "Submissive" persona in homosexual-esque relationships.  The mechanics normally relay to gender roles you would expect to see.  Many "submissive" relationships are very similar to a "female" role in a heterosexual relationship.  As the traits are similar to what the binary is assessed with.  That also goes for a "Dominant" and Male correlation, which again portray similar roles.

   The mechanics become a tad more skewed in an open relationship that involves more than one partner.  This is because each person is to assume roles and traits that other partners do not have.  In an open relationship.  We have a belief that one partner does not have to assume all the expectations we want a partner to have.  We have several partners who as a collective build up the ideal partner.  We get the chance to experience and love other people (as we all love others different and on different levels), without putting all our expectations on one single individual.  That's in general not fair to make one person live up to some giant boots or heels to fill. So, ideally each person plays off traits that other people do not have.  In a sense it's a way to get all your needs met, but still having connections and feelings with humans.  As, we are not objects and each person is a different story and experiences that are worth time.

  This integration into society based off performing to the gender roles that one would expect your expression to portray has given me some insight in which the aspects of society themselves seem hollow.  Almost like putting a quarter into a machine and turning the knob, then getting a plastic ball with nothing inside of it.  I feel that is an accurate assessment of the roles society expects us to play.  We can play, but what we gain from them is silly and in some sense useless. 

Treating Youself Pretty: Part I

Dear Reader,

     Today, I am writing you as many months have changed since I last wrote to you.  Many things about myself have changed as well as I have more experiences to write about.  I've come to understand more about myself in a sense that I am more accepted my society more than I use to be.  A few things I have noticed at the beginning where:

• The second glances to check my privilege
• The nervousness of folks around me
• The avoidance from people
• The slurs
• The checking of ones privilege

    The number of those occurrences have drastically changed.  I haven't been questioned in my gender in a long time.  Though, we all know that any of those above never really phased me.  It's just interesting that they have faded away and really now I have a new set of things in which I get to indulge in.

• People smile at me at random times
• The amount of compliments I get daily is astounding
• Men/Woman find me attractive and go as far to ask for my number
• My privilege isn't check anymore
• I have become happier in the past few months

  I never really understood or could even explain how when you fit into the binary that people will treat you differently.  Not a bad differently but a difference one has never enjoyed.  I've come to understand that I get treated different then the "Male" self had been treated.  The respect I get from people is different.  It's more or less a chivalrous respect.  In my presence I find men try to boast their masculinity in a sense they want me to find them attractive.  Like an Alpha Male complex I have come to realise exist.   As well as Women, let me into their inner circle of friendship.  I have found that women are more apt to befriend me because they realise I am female.  This is so true at work.  I've noticed that I have gone from "That Trans* person" to just "Tegan".  As though people have washed from their minds the original person I had been.  Which, it may seem little to them.  It's a refresher for me.

   From all of this has come a bigger understanding of the society we live in and how it all works.  I truly can say that I have a deeper respect and understanding for the genders when I have transverse over both binaries.  I know I don't really fit into either binary box of "Male" or "Female" but I think I have a good mix of it.  Gender is fluid and I know I live that ideal everyday.  In some sense we find ourselves a mix of both genders.

   I never really wanted to fix into a box.  I've honestly just wanted to be "Stealth" for a tiny time to just understand what it was like to be "Stealth" as well as to know that I was able to best that beast.  Yet, I feel more accomplished in my mission than I thought I would become.  Though, from this experience I've grown happier, healthier, and just more excited about living.  Many people feel they do not fit society norms.  I know for myself this has always been true.  People are in the box and I'm just free falling off a cliff into another adventure.

   Dating too has become something in which I didn't expect a change but it has.  When it comes to the majority of the relationships I have held.  I had to take the initiative because I was portrayed or seen by my partner as "Male" or "Alpha".  Which, I can see with being who I am.  I always feel it is important to take responsibility because majority of the time.  No one else will.  I rather don't mind it, but once in a while I want to know what it is like to be the "Female".  I have gotten this treatment as of late and it's exciting.   It's nice that men and women physically render me as "Female" in their heads and with that: comes a different type of interaction then the one I once had gained from them.

   People who learn that I am trans*.  They find it hard to grasp.  I can recall earlier this week a women at work needed my assistance.  I divulged to her that I had changed my name from William to Tegan.  She looked right at me and her eyes got big "Really?  You are kidding me?"  I wasn't at all drawn back by it because I am very open about my identity and those who ask and want to know.  I let it known to them.  It's part of my idea of being who I want to be. Which is going to be the main point of "Treating Yourself Pretty: Part II".


Thanks,
    Tegan Rowan Stryker