Goonies Never Say Die!

   So, for a year now I have been a smoker. Yes. I do like to smoke tobacco. I like the taste of cigarettes overall. Especially, my Camel No. 9s. Wonderful. Plus, I think it does make me seem 30% cooler.

  I don't think I've ever share my story of why I started to smoke. You know? Love is a wonderful crazy thing. It also is a vicious thing that destroys lives. In my life time, I haven't dated many folks. Overly a handful. I have slept with more? Highly. Which is just a human giving into primal urges. Nothing wrong with that.

  So, I met someone. She was fantastic in ways I don't think I could see a person as. I never shared much of what I thought. Which I think was a shame on my end. I think about her from time to time, but I will tell you what. Getting over someone that wonderful was hard. I did it. I faced demons I never imagined I'd slay and learned just about how far I'm willing to go to stop being in pain. It was crazy, stupid, and horrific. I hated every moment of it. I did get over it. It just took time.

  Sadly, one of the few remnants of that era of my life that follows me is smoking. Actually, it's probably the only thing I do from that time. I want to quit. I hurt when I think about it. Weirdly enough; I do. I think it would be me moving on. I think I need to fulfill this part of my life. I need to just stop, so I'm not living on your memory. You don't have that power over me.

  I've had some short but serious relationships this year. Met some wonderful folks and had adventures. Even some terrifying ones. Life is a roller coaster. I just feel... Maybe I should really let it all go. Just stop smoking and finally move on. That way I can actually try to sit down and connect with someone. Instead of feeling as though I cannot get close to another. Only because I feel that every time I let someone in. They destroy me further.

   This is why I force myself to be single. To get close to someone. Scares me. A grandiose amount! I would rather not even be involved in it. It's sad because everyone I have let in. In the past year. Has seriously hurt me. Made me feel like a sex project or fetish fulfillment.  Which, I am not! Not anymore. I'm strong.