The Terrible Person I've Become.

Three weeks ago, I went insane. Literally lost myself in the downward spiral that has been my life for a while. I watched as I was this mean, irrational, and harsh person. The repercussions; they hurt the most.

I watched as I poured out so much anger on one person, that she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I can't express how much pain flows through my heart at this moment. The one person I care about more than anyone. Yet, I abused our friendship to a breaking point.

I've been having a hard time dealing with my new life. When I say new life, I mean life with POTS. It's been nothing more than loss, after loss, after loss. It makes me so bitter and crazed. I am forced to sit around and watch as everything I have worked for. It's ripped from my hands. I see nothing positive in sight, and every time I do. It falls through.

My friends have been amazing. The ones who have stayed that is. Many of my friends, seemingly after months of talking to me. Just dropped off the planet. They make me feel as though every thing I have finished for them. It means basically nothing. It makes me feel like I'm useless. Therefore, since I cannot contribute to their lives. I'm not worthy of being around.

I took that all out on one person. The one person whose been there for me more than anyone. Whom has finished so much for me. Taking the trash out, cleaning my home, and making sure I have what I need. She cared so much for me. I squandered it.

I blew up on her. The night before I did. I tried to commit suicide. I felt very alone. I also felt useless. It's not fun sitting around because you have to. It's not fun watching all you work for just disappear. It's not fun watching everyone have a life, while you don't. I called many people, and reached out for help. No one answered.

I'm forced to sit around the house and watch mind numbing rubbish. While my roommate takes her stress out on me continually. I get yelled at for things out of my control. Then, I am constantly apologised to. Though, the past two times. I don't even get a sorry.

I'm really saddened that all this outside interference makes my head just feel... Uncontrollable. Unattainable. Incomplete.

During our fight, she told me she needed space. So, I did the exact opposite. I constantly called and texted her. I broke the mold, and it's shattered. Then, for days I sent hateful text messages. Ones that I can't even imagine I would send. It's very apparent I am not the person I once was. I was kind, caring, and thoughtful. Now, I'm selfish, crass, and all around nasty to those nicest to me.

I told her she was a terrible person, when that's never going to be true. I told her I never wanted to be friends, and that I regretted our friendship. When in reality... I can't see my life without her in it. I brought up terrible things from our past. That I have forgiven her for.

It's only now, being away from all the stress. I am able to sit down and collect my thoughts. I reflect on the shitty person I am, and I put my head in my hands and cry. I miss her so much. She was my rock. The one person I could count on so much.

She's the only person who has shared herself with me. I know more about her, than I think I know about myself. She's talented, funny, smart, and always level-headed. She has the biggest heart of anyone I've ever met. Yet, I made her think otherwise.

I don't think she'll ever read this. Or even talk to me. I just hopes she knows that I sit here and regret it. I want to make it better. I don't know how, but I do. I want her to know I'm sorry, and even those words seem failing in what I feel.

Something We Forgot.

Leehlah Alcorn, do you know that name? That is a name that I am sure that most of the US, and the world are very familiar with. If, you don't know the story of Leehlah Alcorn. I'd say you've been living under a rock. Otherwise, I'm about to give you a downer ending with an opinion that isn't too popular. I want to say it, because I'm let down by both society and my community.

Leehlah Alcorn roughly about a Month ago: Committed suicide. Yeah, remember growing up and you where told:

"Committing Suicide is a cowards way out."

If you are Trans*, and throw yourself out in front of traffic. You get your picture plastered on the news, and made into a martyr. That's the message we've been given.

Why do you get made into a Martyr? Only, because it was asked. Seriously, read the suicide note. She literally asked that we do just this.

My retort is this: I live in Cincinnati, and I literally am watching my community gather around a dead trans* white girl. When we have had worse issues with being Trans* here. I've personally be harassed by a group of people before in Walnut Hills. It's terrifying!

Have you heard of Tiffany Edwards? Probably not. She wasn't youth, and she wasn't white. Tiffany Edwards was an amazing Trans* woman of colour. Who despite what the world thought of her, wanted to live and be trans*. If you are black, trans*, and get your life taken from you. You don't get made into what Leehlah Alcorn is: A martyr.

Also, the people who are throwing this in our faces. They are quite possibly the worse trans* activist I'd have touch such an issue. The leader of this vigil, decided the day before the vigil to create a group on Facebook. She left it open, and proceeded to add almost every trans* individual in Cincinnati. I was lucky enough to be spared by this outing. A few of my friends; Not so. We have learned about a few trans* people who are stealth. Yet, now they are not. We haven't had an apology about this action. Nor do I think such a novice at trans* activism would admit a wrong doing.

The vigil was far from friendly or a safe space. We couldn't even mourn our dead in peace. We where invited to hear "Iris" by GooGoo Dolls for our opening of ceremonies...

So, let's both understand this is a cliché. As well as, you brought people to a memorial over suicide to hear you butcher a song about Suicide. Why didn't they just open up with "Diamond Smiles" by The Boomtown Rats? It leaves the guesswork out of what the song is about.

"She went up the stairs. Stood upon her vanity chair. Tied her lament belt around the chandelier, and went out kicking in the perfumed air."

I wonder how many Trans* people realised the amount of cameras in this space? We are one of the most revered communities in the world. Yet, we are just going to place not only trans* youth under the age of 18 in front of cameras; almost every trans* individual in the city of Cincinnati. Visibility is one thing, but when you mourn the dead. It should be together in solace. Not made to be a national event.

This "Affirmation Ritual" that took place. Which was led by a Trans* pastor. Not that I am against a Trans* pastor. Being someone who has a bad history with religion. As many Trans* people do. She made us participate. Literally told us: "If you don't talk. I'll keep on talking." Excuse me, but you forced us into a religious ceremony? How dare you muddle my beliefs!

The truest victims in all of this are the friends of Leehlah. Whom are being exploited. Only, they are so young they do not understand what they are into. Another victim: The driver of the truck that hit Leehlah has to live with what happened.

The main point of my debacle is this: How many trans* youth and trans* folks die yearly?

Large numbers around the world.

Furthermore, how many struggles do my brother's and sister's face daily?

Hate crimes against LGBTQPIA members are high, but majority of these are trans* hate crimes. Further: majority of Trans* hate crimes are against female identifying folks. Yet, a white trans* youth who throws themselves in front of a truck. Gets way more attention.

I do mourn her as well. She is a life that shouldn't have been lost. Yet, our respect for such a loss is little from kosher. I'm dreading the impact made by the people spearheading the initiative, because their lack of ability to address key issues. I'm sad to call myself part of the Trans* community in Cincinnati.

On a final note: what has happened because of her death is good. National debates are being held on trans* rights. This is major. What does suck? The way she is portrayed. It's not kosher.

Dear Putin

Dear Vladimir Putin,

    Have you looked outside today? Did you see the sun? Or the harsh Russian winter that has you huddled inside. Did you eat breakfast? Was it satisfying?

   I woke up, ate breakfast, and made a point to wrote this to you. You may very look at it, but what matters is that I put it in the Ether. In the 25 years I have been graced with being on the planet. I've seen suffering in these eyes. For far too long. I look around at my Brothers and Sisters who have fought the good fight for equality. For justice. For happiness.

  You sir, are a tyrant. Plain and simple. In a world where injustice and inequality are at high marks. You lead the Calvary in the fight against the LGBTQPIA. People whom have only wanted to be the people they want to be. People who have finished nothing to do you wrong. Only better their quality of life.

  Do you sleep at night with one eye open? Sometimes at night the terrors of my past. Brought on by being a Trans* individual in a world where I am disliked for being different. It keeps me up at night. While my brothers and sisters are wronged by your plight. It keeps me up. It fuels the fire.

  One day Putin, after you are left in a miserable mess you've made for yourself. Our plight for equality, for justice, and for a better way of life. It will still be stronger than any bomb you've built. Any ties you've cut. It will be stronger.

  To be a Trans* individual isn't a curse but a liberation. One to understand that something you couldn't choose at birth. It's more than that. It's what you make it. I will not adhere to standards set in place by a government meant to restrain their people. Meant to put them in fear for being themselves. Do you think you can halt their existence? Far from it. The people are angry. They want justice. To whom will take the fall? You Putin. You will see as justice you yielded will consume you. Will make you weak.

   The disease you may think we have. May hold us back. From what I have seen, through the years. It doesn't hold us back. It makes us unique. Makes us difference. Makes us want to fight for our justice. You too, will pay for the crimes against humanity. Maybe not now, but soon. We are coming.

Top Floor, Please.

   One of my darkest secrets I have never revealed to the world is that I suffer from Manic Depression. This on two separate occasions has come close to ending the life I lead today. Something I tell people is that I have in fact seen how deep I am willing to go. I have in previous blog post mentioned this.

   Depression is something that runs in my family. As well as many other afflictions of the brain do: Schizophrenia, Dementia, and Alzheimer's. We really did get crap luck on the mental facilities. This doesn't mean that I haven't questioned mental health down the road. It's a question that once in a while pops up.

   So, I really exercise my brain. I am a fan of crosswords and puzzle games. I do as well love to read.  I feel I do well at these task. To say the least. It's a question that does both worry myself and even more so, make me take precautions. This is a good reminder for someone of my mental constituency.

  One of the reasons I am writing this. Being a heavy need to check my mental state. Everyone should. It's a good way to make sure you have been making fair and important judgements with the best of your ability. Nothing is wrong with a mental check up!

  I'm sure the main question that has at least passed your mind has been: do I have depression attacks? I do indeed. In moments when I am alone and at night. Especially in the winter time. All of these being key times when depression occurs.

   "Winter time is not for the lonely. It always hits to the heart." - "Winterheart" - Niki and the Dove
  
  Being left alone with my thoughts; sometimes it devours me. I have a good deal of insecurities that do in fact haunt me. Failure, trust, and relationship type things. These thoughts do cross my mind.

  My grandmother always said "Busy Hands aren't Idle Hands." That's really how I deal with my depression. I really take initiative and do a task to keep my mind busy. That's why crafts and art are in my resume.  Sometimes it can be a little much to bear. It does get me down. Sometimes it's even an uphill battle.

  It's something that plagues a better part of the US. In a society where so much is put on perfection, fitting in, and gender roles. It's a no brainer why it exist on such a large scale. 

  Some may say that medication would be a route I should consider. I honestly I lived 25 years with such an affliction and have taken measures necessary to combat it. I feel that I shouldn't deviate from a path when methods exist in place, and work.

  Many great people have existed on this planet with such issues and illnesses. They have as well made great people out of themselves. Take C.S. Lewis for example. He wrote beloved children's books while being Schizophrenic. It should never be looked down on when such achievements exist. So, I do not look at this affliction as a curse. More so, as a way to work towards being a better person. By overcoming my weaknesses.
  

  

Goonies Never Say Die!

   So, for a year now I have been a smoker. Yes. I do like to smoke tobacco. I like the taste of cigarettes overall. Especially, my Camel No. 9s. Wonderful. Plus, I think it does make me seem 30% cooler.

  I don't think I've ever share my story of why I started to smoke. You know? Love is a wonderful crazy thing. It also is a vicious thing that destroys lives. In my life time, I haven't dated many folks. Overly a handful. I have slept with more? Highly. Which is just a human giving into primal urges. Nothing wrong with that.

  So, I met someone. She was fantastic in ways I don't think I could see a person as. I never shared much of what I thought. Which I think was a shame on my end. I think about her from time to time, but I will tell you what. Getting over someone that wonderful was hard. I did it. I faced demons I never imagined I'd slay and learned just about how far I'm willing to go to stop being in pain. It was crazy, stupid, and horrific. I hated every moment of it. I did get over it. It just took time.

  Sadly, one of the few remnants of that era of my life that follows me is smoking. Actually, it's probably the only thing I do from that time. I want to quit. I hurt when I think about it. Weirdly enough; I do. I think it would be me moving on. I think I need to fulfill this part of my life. I need to just stop, so I'm not living on your memory. You don't have that power over me.

  I've had some short but serious relationships this year. Met some wonderful folks and had adventures. Even some terrifying ones. Life is a roller coaster. I just feel... Maybe I should really let it all go. Just stop smoking and finally move on. That way I can actually try to sit down and connect with someone. Instead of feeling as though I cannot get close to another. Only because I feel that every time I let someone in. They destroy me further.

   This is why I force myself to be single. To get close to someone. Scares me. A grandiose amount! I would rather not even be involved in it. It's sad because everyone I have let in. In the past year. Has seriously hurt me. Made me feel like a sex project or fetish fulfillment.  Which, I am not! Not anymore. I'm strong.

Melancholy Life

  When I was younger my Grandmother use to always tell me "You font have to like your family. You do have to love them."

  It's not that I don't love my family. I do. I am and will always be a family oriented person. I think that is an important value. I mean, being alone is wonderful. I just like to think that it is nice to know someone out there loves you. It's a grandiose to tell someone you love them as well as just loving them. It improves life quality.

  As of late though, with all the hardships I have been enduring. I've come to realise people exist that are not family. That are people who treat me better than my family has. Does that make me sad? Yes. Disappointed? More so. These people have been courageous, enduring, and caring in times when I cannot be.

  I didn't get to spend the holiday with my family. I was sad about it. Very devastated to be honest. Just, things happened that have made myself feel. That I am not taken as serious as a person I should be. I'm tired of going out on a limb for my family and being met with not gratitude but as though it is just obligation.

  In my 25 years of life, I've done things that I shouldn't have had to do. For my family. Yet, I feel drained and used. I for a year of my life stepped aside from my life and many opportunities that would have taken my career and my life to better places. I was heartbroken about it, but why did I do it? My Grandmother was in the midst of a battle with Alzheimer's that took her life.

  Itself is terrible horrendous disease to watch manifest and slowly rip away someone you loved more than anything. Away from you. Can you do anything? No. You have to watch as the meds make them zombies. Watch as they struggle to make sense of the world around them. It's terrifying. They wander off, they keep you up for days on end, and they drain your overall ability to function.

  Why did I do this? That's what love for family is. I would have walked the earth and burned a world over to save her. One of the hardest things was watching as she forgot everyone else and just remembered me. It was weird. Saddening as well.

  Yet, my family was no where to be found. They didn't ask about her, they didn't call about her, and they didn't even help with her. They show up at the funeral in tears. I was disgusted.

  I'm bitter about it. As much as I am bitter about many other subjects. My family doesn't seem the bit interested in my health. Or helping me in what I want to say is a huge time of need for me.

  You know who has been there for me? My friends. My friends have been the best thing go happen to me. In more ways than one. Especially one of my friends. She has been the most caring, sincere, and amazing people to happen to me. I feel she goes out of her way daily to cheer me up. She has. She has made this whole ordeal manageable.

  The Christmas she gave me, was the best Christmas I've had in years. Sometime I haven't enjoyed since I was younger. Something I like to enjoy. She went out of her way to do this. I'm grateful for her everyday because the way she treats me. She has earned my loyalty forever.

  Christmas was a huge affirmation for me. I saw what a Christmas should be like. Not that my family wasn't on my mind the entire time. I just saw what being cared about means. Truly cared about. People I never dreamed of spending a holiday with and I did. It was a blast. The gifts, the fun, and the people made it worth while.

  I'm coming to terms with letting go of many issues, insecurities, and life mistakes. As well as trying to be hopeful about the future. It's scary right now, I don't know what to even think about. So many parameters and factors to process. Will I make the most of it? I plan on it. I do. I just hope I make it worthwhile.

I'm feeling capable of...

The title of this piece is from a favourite Euro electro-indie band: CHVRCHES. Yes, it is all capitalised. Not the point. The entire piece chorus being:

                 "I'm feeling capable of
                       Seeing the end
                  I'm feeling capable of
                           Saying it's over."                                                                                 
                 - Tether - CHVRCHES

The interesting feeling the song gives you I feel is: A coming to grips with the end of something. A loss of any kind. I'm going through a great deal of loss as of late. One of them being the loss of my apartment. Something I wished wasn't happening. Sadly, something I cannot change.

I remember the first night I spent in this place. It was literally myself, a coffee table, and clothes. I had a cell phone for music, playing cards, and pen/paper for writing. It was like that for a month. I wasn't doing anything but playing cards and listening to music. Something I like to now, yet I have like video games, telly, and a mass of other shit to do. 

Anyway, my neighbour walks in from across the hall. We live in a four family building. So, just four of us reside here. We have gotten close. I think they are all wonderful people. Whom I am glad to know. My favourite: Charlotte.

Charlotte is a very loud person. Like myself. Probably actually louder. If that is possible. She speaks her mind and just lays it down. Doesn't matter your opinion. She just says it. I like that about her. I'm very opinionated and so is she. She makes me food and loves to talk. Which I cannot lie. She makes the best soul food you'll put on your mouth. Her Greens...damn.

Well, on my first night Charlotte comes to my door and knocks. I get up and answer it. What do I see: Charlotte and in her hands the fattest blunt I've ever seen. No lie. She hands it to me and says "Have a good first night."

Well, not to be someone to be so impolite. I ask her to smoke it. We have a blast! That was the first of many nights; we did just that.

Well, here I am on my last night here. Watching Simpsons and what happens? Charlotte is at my door, with another fat ass blunt, and says "Have a good last night." She declined to smoke this one. I did. I had a blast. I really needed that. I started this place with so little. I built a life here. Now, I'm leaving home. I'm sad. I understand it has to happen. I think that is why I have become capable of letting go.