Treating Yourself Pretty: Part II

In the first installment of this two part series we discussed the difference of post-HRT integration into a society that relies on gender norms to gain any headway as a "societal person".  As if growing up with a collective marketed ideal of "Perfection" was not enough, correct?  This is where the phrase "Treat Yourself Pretty" comes from.  Easily gained from a suicidal tendency, I have gained from that phrase a sense of stability and a sense of purpose for myself. 


  It's truly about just doing what you need to do to be yourself in a world where being yourself is frowned upon.  Since using that phrase as a rallying banner to rise up, I've come to expect a different outlook on life as well as just in general be happy for myself.  So, coming from that stand point.  I like to have human company.  I find solace in the comfort of another human being who can let me live as free as my hair in their presence and accepts me for who I am.  Nothing more then that, I just want to be who I am and loved for it.  Which, in the past months I have gained a sense of myself as well as gained more indulgence in people who like me for myself.

   That has led to dating in a different way.  This is a privilege I have gained from hormones as well.  Men and women who find interest in me, do not second guess my gender.  Mainly we find common ground and build off of that, and learn to experience each other in casual conversations and gentle interaction.  Though, I do gain some "Chivalrous" privilege because my gender expression is more feminine than the male persona I so solemnly let out.  I guess you could say that in a sense I am percieved as a female and that gains some ground on the way I should be courted.  It is very reminiscent to that of a "50s" style of courtship that took place.  Both people gain roles that feel appropriate in and from that stems the mechanics that seem to work.  Though, no one person should fall into a role they do not feel appropriate with.  I know for myself, I don't always like to be the "Girl" and I think many people find my "Masculinity" to be very overpowering.  Though, I know I am a intense person and 90% of the time I know what I am want.  That means I just really normally do what I please and this can catch people off guard in those situations.

   Many things of my experiences have led me to understand the mechanics of gender roles, but one subject underneath the umbrella term of roles that is not really assessed as much as I feel it should be is "Dating Roles".  Which, I know from my experiences I have been on both sides of a monogamous relationship.  I have been the male and female in heterosexual-esque relationships.  As well as I have been the "Dominant" and "Submissive" persona in homosexual-esque relationships.  The mechanics normally relay to gender roles you would expect to see.  Many "submissive" relationships are very similar to a "female" role in a heterosexual relationship.  As the traits are similar to what the binary is assessed with.  That also goes for a "Dominant" and Male correlation, which again portray similar roles.

   The mechanics become a tad more skewed in an open relationship that involves more than one partner.  This is because each person is to assume roles and traits that other partners do not have.  In an open relationship.  We have a belief that one partner does not have to assume all the expectations we want a partner to have.  We have several partners who as a collective build up the ideal partner.  We get the chance to experience and love other people (as we all love others different and on different levels), without putting all our expectations on one single individual.  That's in general not fair to make one person live up to some giant boots or heels to fill. So, ideally each person plays off traits that other people do not have.  In a sense it's a way to get all your needs met, but still having connections and feelings with humans.  As, we are not objects and each person is a different story and experiences that are worth time.

  This integration into society based off performing to the gender roles that one would expect your expression to portray has given me some insight in which the aspects of society themselves seem hollow.  Almost like putting a quarter into a machine and turning the knob, then getting a plastic ball with nothing inside of it.  I feel that is an accurate assessment of the roles society expects us to play.  We can play, but what we gain from them is silly and in some sense useless. 

Treating Youself Pretty: Part I

Dear Reader,

     Today, I am writing you as many months have changed since I last wrote to you.  Many things about myself have changed as well as I have more experiences to write about.  I've come to understand more about myself in a sense that I am more accepted my society more than I use to be.  A few things I have noticed at the beginning where:

• The second glances to check my privilege
• The nervousness of folks around me
• The avoidance from people
• The slurs
• The checking of ones privilege

    The number of those occurrences have drastically changed.  I haven't been questioned in my gender in a long time.  Though, we all know that any of those above never really phased me.  It's just interesting that they have faded away and really now I have a new set of things in which I get to indulge in.

• People smile at me at random times
• The amount of compliments I get daily is astounding
• Men/Woman find me attractive and go as far to ask for my number
• My privilege isn't check anymore
• I have become happier in the past few months

  I never really understood or could even explain how when you fit into the binary that people will treat you differently.  Not a bad differently but a difference one has never enjoyed.  I've come to understand that I get treated different then the "Male" self had been treated.  The respect I get from people is different.  It's more or less a chivalrous respect.  In my presence I find men try to boast their masculinity in a sense they want me to find them attractive.  Like an Alpha Male complex I have come to realise exist.   As well as Women, let me into their inner circle of friendship.  I have found that women are more apt to befriend me because they realise I am female.  This is so true at work.  I've noticed that I have gone from "That Trans* person" to just "Tegan".  As though people have washed from their minds the original person I had been.  Which, it may seem little to them.  It's a refresher for me.

   From all of this has come a bigger understanding of the society we live in and how it all works.  I truly can say that I have a deeper respect and understanding for the genders when I have transverse over both binaries.  I know I don't really fit into either binary box of "Male" or "Female" but I think I have a good mix of it.  Gender is fluid and I know I live that ideal everyday.  In some sense we find ourselves a mix of both genders.

   I never really wanted to fix into a box.  I've honestly just wanted to be "Stealth" for a tiny time to just understand what it was like to be "Stealth" as well as to know that I was able to best that beast.  Yet, I feel more accomplished in my mission than I thought I would become.  Though, from this experience I've grown happier, healthier, and just more excited about living.  Many people feel they do not fit society norms.  I know for myself this has always been true.  People are in the box and I'm just free falling off a cliff into another adventure.

   Dating too has become something in which I didn't expect a change but it has.  When it comes to the majority of the relationships I have held.  I had to take the initiative because I was portrayed or seen by my partner as "Male" or "Alpha".  Which, I can see with being who I am.  I always feel it is important to take responsibility because majority of the time.  No one else will.  I rather don't mind it, but once in a while I want to know what it is like to be the "Female".  I have gotten this treatment as of late and it's exciting.   It's nice that men and women physically render me as "Female" in their heads and with that: comes a different type of interaction then the one I once had gained from them.

   People who learn that I am trans*.  They find it hard to grasp.  I can recall earlier this week a women at work needed my assistance.  I divulged to her that I had changed my name from William to Tegan.  She looked right at me and her eyes got big "Really?  You are kidding me?"  I wasn't at all drawn back by it because I am very open about my identity and those who ask and want to know.  I let it known to them.  It's part of my idea of being who I want to be. Which is going to be the main point of "Treating Yourself Pretty: Part II".


Thanks,
    Tegan Rowan Stryker

Firing Pistons into Distance Comforts

Being a member of the Trans* community I have come to notice many things that I think most people take for granted.  Not because they are things that people do take for granted but they are things that do internally upset me when I see it happen or hear it happen.  Let me run a few scenarios in front of you and let you decide what is not fully correct about these scenarios.
      Now, here is our first scenario: You've got a call back to a job, and you are super excited because you have needed a job, this job is what you where looking for and furthermore you are qualified all over for this job.  Not over qualified, just you have all the correct experience and creditably to back you up.  So, you get dressed up very nice, walk into the building, and you look and exude confidence on large levels.  You walk up to the receptionist and she calls you "Sir."  What's the matter with that?  Easily the catch is you are a trans* person who is pre-hormones but living full time as your preferred gender. The issue is that she just called you "Sir."  You are living as a woman and apparently this singular person despite you are in a skirt and blouse just called "your bluff".  Which it isn't that, but this woman just called you out.  More so a problem with that is, Trans* people are not covered to work in spaces because Gender Identity is not covered under most "Discrimination Policies".  So, legally a person can be turned away in the majority of work because they want to be who they want to be.  So, now you are worried about your interview even more so because they "can tell you are Trans*".  That shouldn't be a thought in your brain, honestly, you should be allowed to work and live as anyone else.  Denying something the ability to work based on Gender Identity condemns person to work below their wage capabilities as well as can even send the to be homeless.
      Questions that should automatically swell your brain are these:  How can you deny someone work based on Gender Identity? Are you okay with condemning someone to being able to not survive in this world?  Why should they be pushed away because they are "different"?  Can they make it if they don't get this job?  These are questions that worry most trans* people who look for work in this day and age.  It's scary to know that you might not be able to support yourself because you need to be the person you want to be.
       Scenario #2: Let's just say that you play a sport.  You have always played this sport and loved playing this sport.  Now, let's go and say you are a Trans* masculine person who wants to continue to play.  Let's say... Volleyball.  You love this sport because it's just... you. So, you played it when you identified as Female and now that you are Male.  You want to continue to play it.  A few things that come of this.  One, the college or university you are attending does not have a Men's Volleyball team.  So, what options occur in this situation: One; you can assume the role of a female and play on the volleyball team (even though you are a male identified person) or Two: You can get in a ruckus about how you cannot join the female volleyball team and because of that you feel oppressed as a Trans* person.  Which this is a valid way to feel.  So, most folks have to go out of their way to discuss their gender issues with the Volleyball team and the Athletic director to make sure they can play on the same team, and on top of that you have to out yourself to everyone. Regardless if you are out or not. Just to make sure you can be who you are.  Kinda crazy the steps people who disregard the binary system or just switch binaries have to go to be themselves.  To the point that it's uncomfortable and even more so unavailing to a person.
      A final Scenario:  Now, of course we are too assume you are Trans* in this one as well.  I want you to really think about this one because, it's a common problem for many Trans* folks in the world.  The dating scene.  Why; you may ask?  Simply put it this way.  You are a trans* person, doesn't matter what side of the spectrum you are on.  Let's say that you have been on Hormone Replacement for let's say... Two years and some odd months.  With that realisation you feel that you pass very well.  As does the entire world treat you like you are the preferred gender you want to be assumed as.  This is grand.  You can date the person you wish to date (because Gender does not dictate your sexual orientation)  Thus, is why the T should not be included in the LGBTQPIA.  Why? Because it is not a Sexual Orientation but a Gender Variance.  Thus, is why the world assumes Trans* dictates your Sexuality.  Which, if you are Trans* or educated on Trans* you know this to be different.  So, (using my Sexuality) you assume yourself as Queer.  Meaning that you will date anyone that is not Heterosexual.  So, you will date a Pan-sexual  Bisexual, Lesbian, Queer, or anyone that identifies with a "Gay" sexuality term.  The main problem with this scenario is one thing.  The world is made up of many things coming down to Genitalia   Meaning that if your parts match the other persons preferred parts.  You've got it made.  If not though, you really have a hard time finding that person who loves you for who you are and what you want to sexually identify as.
        Example: You are a Female Identified person who identifies as a Lesbian.  You have not yet to have GRS/SRS (Gender Reassignment Surgery/Sex Reassignment Surgery).  So, you are a female identified person with male genitalia   Which, we all know is perfectly okay and should never be questioned as other than perfect.  The problem is the people you are interested in (who are Lesbians, because you are a lesbian) They like female genitalia   Which, can be discerning when you hear that your Genitalia are the main reason someone cannot date you.  You may be thinking "Why not date straight women who like male genitalia "  My main question to you is that people never question a Heterosexual or Homosexual persons genitalia   It's not fair because of your gender difference from the norm.  You have to be forced into a situation that does not validate you as a person.  So, here we have this person trying to date the people like they and yet because they have a difference that someone else cannot see past.  You force this person into rejection and invalidation of who they are.
       I am sure you can see why that hurts a Trans* person.  It's not fair to have to question your sexuality because of your gender.  You should be assured that because you choose to live as a gender different from your biological gender that you should be allowed to assume the role you wish too.  Gender and Sexuality don't go hand in hand, but because the world thinks gender and sex exist in the same bubble, we cannot grow past the identities and how they differ.  It's just logically that a fallacy of this continues because we fail to educate Gender and Sex as differences and not similar.
       So, all in all you can see the trials that face the Trans* community, things that are easily done for CIS gendered folks (People that are okay and live within their biological gender) are not easy for Trans* people on a grander scale because we have to go to greater lengths to internally and externally identify and validate ourselves.

The Privilege, The Forethought, and the Aftermath.

      Life has many things to offer; at least that is what I was always told growing up.  "You can be whomever you want to be.", "You can do whatever it is you want to do.", "You can live life as you deem fit.".  All common phrases that honestly played homage to an ideal state of mind.  Adolescent stupidity is more like it.  The innocence we have growing up,  that is just a crock of bull to even associate that to anything modern society throws at any one.  Innocence is just some melancholy way of saying you are in denial over everything you set to do, because you are judged because of who you are, where you come from, and/or who you love.
      Honestly, I never think about things as they happen, I usually process them afterwards because I act quick on my feet but it's a reflex.  I never believed that being who I wanted to be would persecute me for life.  I realized this early on and I accepted it.  Mainly, you would just expect people to be decent to a point. Though, when their our outlets that exist in this world that can stigmatize a single idea for being different from the "normal" things that we are suppose to do and be.  That's crazy, but Stereotypes, Religion, and Free-Will exist.  You can never let a single person define you (though, there is always that one you yearn to have support from.)
      When you have more than one person as your friend you ideally have a diverse group of friends.  How so? Only because each person is different. We revel and rally in that fact.  Though, as our moral foundations dictate.  We should follow what we believe and force that belief upon our friends.  Only because our friends are a reflection of us.  Correct?  I feel otherwise on this fact.  It's because they are people with their own moral background and foundations.  They have their ideas, their beliefs, and their lives they live.
      I feel that if I do not affect those parts of them.  As in I accept that about them.  That reflects on me.  In a greater way than what they believe.  I honestly believe that if you let people live their lives and accept that.  You get more out of it.  You get a better outlook on yourself and on your friends. In a sense that life is going to reward you in more than one way. You get friends, respect, and even a better thought process for yourself.  It's better to be accepting and give privilege than to understand you have it and not do anything with it.
      As of late I have seen people upset that "They have privilege" and Trans* community have let CIS folks be more aware of it.  I am sure after reading my blog you have understood what Privilege is.  If not a quick recap is that privilege is "Having something over someone else that the person you have it over does not have."  An example would be: Let's say that I go out into public and I want to present and be talked as the gender I am presenting as (in this scenario I want to be called Female Pronouns).  So, I go out in public and get "He" and "Sir".  Even though I am wearing a dress, make up, jewelry, and feminine voice.  If I was a CIS gendered female I would automatically get "Ma'am" and "She".  Only because she is born female and doesn't have to work to get this privilege.  It is just given to her.  I on the other hand would have to work on it (Though after 8 years of being mispronouned and misgendered I really don't give a flip anymore).
     That is just one example.  I mean, even gay folks are more understood than Trans* folks.  Thus, they have privilege over Trans* people.  Trans* folks have a hard time finding partners because they are trans*.  Those who are CIS gendered do not have this problem as often.  Also, Trans* people have a higher risk of being Hate Crime'd... those who do not are more Privileged.  Depending on where you are Trans* at can be very scary.  That's something not everyone (accept LGBTQPIA folks or especially the Trans* community) worry about.  It can be worrisome to be Trans* because we are highly not privileged.
     Of course we are going to let you know that you have privilege over us.  It's a form of education and something that most people take granted.  Those who have to fight for acceptance do not take it for granted.  So, obviously we are more observant and understand what is privilege and what is not.  It's only made a big deal because we notice it more and make it aware it exist to those who have it.  So, you attack us for being observant?  That's kinda crazy.  Thus, these people are upset because we are more observant than they are. Which is okay, the fact they are upset just proves that we are correct.

Thus, is privilege and why we need to exactly keep doing what we are doing.