Melancholy Life

  When I was younger my Grandmother use to always tell me "You font have to like your family. You do have to love them."

  It's not that I don't love my family. I do. I am and will always be a family oriented person. I think that is an important value. I mean, being alone is wonderful. I just like to think that it is nice to know someone out there loves you. It's a grandiose to tell someone you love them as well as just loving them. It improves life quality.

  As of late though, with all the hardships I have been enduring. I've come to realise people exist that are not family. That are people who treat me better than my family has. Does that make me sad? Yes. Disappointed? More so. These people have been courageous, enduring, and caring in times when I cannot be.

  I didn't get to spend the holiday with my family. I was sad about it. Very devastated to be honest. Just, things happened that have made myself feel. That I am not taken as serious as a person I should be. I'm tired of going out on a limb for my family and being met with not gratitude but as though it is just obligation.

  In my 25 years of life, I've done things that I shouldn't have had to do. For my family. Yet, I feel drained and used. I for a year of my life stepped aside from my life and many opportunities that would have taken my career and my life to better places. I was heartbroken about it, but why did I do it? My Grandmother was in the midst of a battle with Alzheimer's that took her life.

  Itself is terrible horrendous disease to watch manifest and slowly rip away someone you loved more than anything. Away from you. Can you do anything? No. You have to watch as the meds make them zombies. Watch as they struggle to make sense of the world around them. It's terrifying. They wander off, they keep you up for days on end, and they drain your overall ability to function.

  Why did I do this? That's what love for family is. I would have walked the earth and burned a world over to save her. One of the hardest things was watching as she forgot everyone else and just remembered me. It was weird. Saddening as well.

  Yet, my family was no where to be found. They didn't ask about her, they didn't call about her, and they didn't even help with her. They show up at the funeral in tears. I was disgusted.

  I'm bitter about it. As much as I am bitter about many other subjects. My family doesn't seem the bit interested in my health. Or helping me in what I want to say is a huge time of need for me.

  You know who has been there for me? My friends. My friends have been the best thing go happen to me. In more ways than one. Especially one of my friends. She has been the most caring, sincere, and amazing people to happen to me. I feel she goes out of her way daily to cheer me up. She has. She has made this whole ordeal manageable.

  The Christmas she gave me, was the best Christmas I've had in years. Sometime I haven't enjoyed since I was younger. Something I like to enjoy. She went out of her way to do this. I'm grateful for her everyday because the way she treats me. She has earned my loyalty forever.

  Christmas was a huge affirmation for me. I saw what a Christmas should be like. Not that my family wasn't on my mind the entire time. I just saw what being cared about means. Truly cared about. People I never dreamed of spending a holiday with and I did. It was a blast. The gifts, the fun, and the people made it worth while.

  I'm coming to terms with letting go of many issues, insecurities, and life mistakes. As well as trying to be hopeful about the future. It's scary right now, I don't know what to even think about. So many parameters and factors to process. Will I make the most of it? I plan on it. I do. I just hope I make it worthwhile.