You look at me now and you see a Gender-queer person. Someone who has compiled a GREAT deal of experiences. Those experiences have gotten me to this singular point in my life where as a person I can validate myself. On December 1st, I'm going to be a member of the Trans* community for eight years this year. Tegan, that silly little cheerful teenager. Who struggled internally for years on her gender and life in general is going to be eight. It's a little daunting to think it took me this long to get to where I am. I had to sit down at a time when most people are discovering themselves for the second time and I had to discover myself for the first time. The real first time, not those failed attempts before hand. I'm happy because I've made great strides in my personal life since that reconciliation I had with myself. Which was just perfect. It's a moment at your life builds up too. Like, you just one day reflect on yourself and go "Ding! It's so clear now." Not only have I had that several times in my life. Everyday is a first time with myself to be honest. I embrace those moments.
In the past, I wasn't the person I am today. That statement is true. When I was growing up aspects of my life now where not even a part of my past days. I can remember when I didn't have but a single friend and that single friend was my lover at the time. Jimmy Kawazowa, someone who really helped me take all the negative in my life and build it to be what it is. School was always a let down, I never felt that in public school systems I would learning anything. I felt bombarded with just noise. No time to blossom. The children did not like me and mocked me because I was different. This was a common ground I shared for all 12 years of Public School. I really never saw any highlight to it. To that extent I dove into ways to act out, ways that I felt where necessary for myself as well as the world to see me as. I was rude, brash, and out spoken to the sense it warranted being disciplined. I turned to drugs and alcohol at an early age to be able to make myself feel horrible. I use to say "I want to bring my body down to my level. I want to crash and burn." I came close to "crash and burn" several times indeed. I remember feeling that every time I got high I was doing myself and the world a favour. Just because I felt not a single person cared about me. I would sleep with people to get my fix. I was literally using sex to survive my addiction. Which, deemed it necessary.
I wouldn't ever speak a nice word to people because I didn't know how too. My prime examples on how I should act towards people where people who
A) Treating me like I was not worth a kind word
B) More demented and fucked up than I was.
We wonder why our children grow up to be who they are? Maybe it's the examples that we as a society create for our children. I am an example of what society creates for children, why they act out, why the destroy when they should create. Though, it was nice to be dealt a shitty hand honestly. Just because I needed to know was bad there was in the world. That way I could create the good I do now. Jimmy taught me to take what bad I was dealt and make them strengths. Fighting an addiction made it known that I could persevere anything as well as be strong for those who need me to be strong. Learning how to help someone in need instead of spitting on them. That showed me that I could be helpful and have a purpose. Learning that I could speak out about the things I hated. That built the passion I have nowadays and even more made me grow into a more soft-hearted, caring, and compassionate person. Which I would never want to change.
The future, that is a so bright it's scary. Just because options are all I have. I haven't been in a bad spot in years and that is because of the positive energy I have been channeling since I was 18. It's been luck to be this way, and luckily I have realised what good it was. I think the reflection I take of myself just ensures that my work is going to grow, mature, and become a beacon for anyone who wants guidance. I have great friends now, support out the buttocks, and stories and experiences that grow more and more. I wouldn't change this life. It's just too darn sweet.
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