This week has proven to be one of those moments in time, where one can (when they grow older) can look back on a say "This really was a pivotal time in my life.". Saying that is really something I am proud to be able to say. I've gotten closer to a few people this week who I have been wanting to get closer too as well as found that being who I am, does not matter in the slightest to these people either. Sometimes I describe myself as a carcrash. "I'm a Car-Crash, but then I have to get up." The line originally comes from the song "Underwater" from Tegan and Sara. The meaning that I derive from the line is that as myself I believe I am a handful. My mental capacity to mold gender to what I will, honestly has terrified a few people. I consider myself to be "Genderqueer" or "Genderfluid". Meaning that I jump between gender roles as well as mental states at my will. It's quite an interesting feat. I was talking to my Mother earlier this week and she had asked me about how I feel about myself. So, I told her that "You know it is like this. Last week I went outside, I chopped down a tree, and finally came inside to paint my nails." I just jump between masculine and feminine all the time.
I for the longest time was battling this feeling of losing a part of myself because I was very feminine but also had masculine traits. Luckily, one of my friends is the biggest Genderfuck this is of the planet! So, with his help he really helped me affirm myself. Since then, I am glad to say that I really do not give the slightest "fuck" about what I do with myself. I exist and live my life, what I do with my life is of my own accord. So, it's nice to finally be in the spot in my life. People may be confused by it, yet, I deal with it quite well.
It's like this modernness belief that we have to associate everything that happens in society to a certain extent to Gender. Clothes, Mannerisms, and Appearances for example. Then, when you have these people that break from this normalization state and be who they want to be. It's like the world just goes "Oh no! We cannot have that!" Either the world tries to rectify you as a person, assume you to be a person of which you are not, or finally just write you off. In the sense, I struggled with this ideal state of mind. I wanted to fit in a gender box for the longest time. In the past year, I've broken from this and realised. Who the fuck cares! On that note I leave you with this: Would you rather sit in a box and be condemned to a life in which you hate to lead or would you want to be the best you can be and do what you deem correct for yourself?
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