Three weeks ago, I went insane. Literally lost myself in the downward spiral that has been my life for a while. I watched as I was this mean, irrational, and harsh person. The repercussions; they hurt the most.
I watched as I poured out so much anger on one person, that she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. I can't express how much pain flows through my heart at this moment. The one person I care about more than anyone. Yet, I abused our friendship to a breaking point.
I've been having a hard time dealing with my new life. When I say new life, I mean life with POTS. It's been nothing more than loss, after loss, after loss. It makes me so bitter and crazed. I am forced to sit around and watch as everything I have worked for. It's ripped from my hands. I see nothing positive in sight, and every time I do. It falls through.
My friends have been amazing. The ones who have stayed that is. Many of my friends, seemingly after months of talking to me. Just dropped off the planet. They make me feel as though every thing I have finished for them. It means basically nothing. It makes me feel like I'm useless. Therefore, since I cannot contribute to their lives. I'm not worthy of being around.
I took that all out on one person. The one person whose been there for me more than anyone. Whom has finished so much for me. Taking the trash out, cleaning my home, and making sure I have what I need. She cared so much for me. I squandered it.
I blew up on her. The night before I did. I tried to commit suicide. I felt very alone. I also felt useless. It's not fun sitting around because you have to. It's not fun watching all you work for just disappear. It's not fun watching everyone have a life, while you don't. I called many people, and reached out for help. No one answered.
I'm forced to sit around the house and watch mind numbing rubbish. While my roommate takes her stress out on me continually. I get yelled at for things out of my control. Then, I am constantly apologised to. Though, the past two times. I don't even get a sorry.
I'm really saddened that all this outside interference makes my head just feel... Uncontrollable. Unattainable. Incomplete.
During our fight, she told me she needed space. So, I did the exact opposite. I constantly called and texted her. I broke the mold, and it's shattered. Then, for days I sent hateful text messages. Ones that I can't even imagine I would send. It's very apparent I am not the person I once was. I was kind, caring, and thoughtful. Now, I'm selfish, crass, and all around nasty to those nicest to me.
I told her she was a terrible person, when that's never going to be true. I told her I never wanted to be friends, and that I regretted our friendship. When in reality... I can't see my life without her in it. I brought up terrible things from our past. That I have forgiven her for.
It's only now, being away from all the stress. I am able to sit down and collect my thoughts. I reflect on the shitty person I am, and I put my head in my hands and cry. I miss her so much. She was my rock. The one person I could count on so much.
She's the only person who has shared herself with me. I know more about her, than I think I know about myself. She's talented, funny, smart, and always level-headed. She has the biggest heart of anyone I've ever met. Yet, I made her think otherwise.
I don't think she'll ever read this. Or even talk to me. I just hopes she knows that I sit here and regret it. I want to make it better. I don't know how, but I do. I want her to know I'm sorry, and even those words seem failing in what I feel.
