One thing I've always believed. Truly believed is that hard work will get you far. That's all I have done my life. Worked hard at so many things. Things I never imagined I'd do. I've finished. My life is riddled with mistakes and many other things I wish I had done differently. I've learned from those experiences.
"Experience is the name we give our mistakes." - Oscar Wilde.
I heard that the other day. It really hit me in a way I've really felt. Was true. All my experiences are more or less mistakes. I know this. I really want to make them more good. So good that I'll make myself proud. I've done it before but I don't know. This time. It's harder.
My life has become one I don't want to be a part of anymore. I sit day to day and watch others live life. Yet, I'm forced to be sit and watch. With little say I get in it. My body is so sore every day. I use to be able to walk 2 miles in 45 minutes. Yet now, a walk around the block. Just cripples me. I miss being active. They call it POTS: Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome. In their faces, I see uncertainty. I feel no one can grasp any main issue with me.
I feel because my life choice to be Trans* has made the system fail to see that clearly I am a person. I'm sadden that every action of recourse I have made to rectify the situation. Has been met with opposition and uncertainty. That really becomes a clusterfuck of everything. I can barely take care of myself anymore. Yet, I'm forced to handle all this paperwork and appointments. I can barely do it. Afterwards, my body trembles from how weak it has become.
I miss work. I miss being active. I use to run 1-2 miles a day. I was proud of myself. I made good money. I made ends meet and more. Now, my contribution to this nation. Hasn't been met. It's been denied. I feel like a second class citizen to the point it makes me regret being American.
I was always told: if you work hard, you'd be rewarded. I have continually worked hard. Yet, I'm told to fight. I'm tired of fighting. So tired. It's terrible to deal with my health and the other things.
I won't lie. I have a wonderful group of friends. Who I feel have stepped up and finished things for me. I wouldn't imagine people would do. They are simply the best. I cherish the time I have with them. I sometimes feel that I might not have much time. Other times, I'd disagree with the last sentence. It's worrisome.
I spend the night wide awake because I just can't sleep. Insomnia so bad, that I just wait to pass out from being tired. I make food, and eat so little because I'll bloat so bad. I'd rather be out of pain rather then eat. My bones crack/creak so much; getting up and down is a trial. Yet, I'm given Dicyclomine and Ibuprofen for my symptoms. Told to continue the treatment, regardless of the minimal improvement I haven't made.
I don't know what this is meant to get convey. Maybe a message that the system is broken. Maybe, I'm looking to see some change in the way we view and handle those whom are in need. Maybe, it is to open your eyes and let you understand. That when life gives you lemons. Sometimes it just is sour.
