Today, I am writing you as many months have changed since I last wrote to you. Many things about myself have changed as well as I have more experiences to write about. I've come to understand more about myself in a sense that I am more accepted my society more than I use to be. A few things I have noticed at the beginning where:
- The second glances to check my privilege
- The nervousness of folks around me
- The avoidance from people
- The slurs
- The checking of ones privilege
The number of those occurrences have drastically changed. I haven't been questioned in my gender in a long time. Though, we all know that any of those above never really phased me. It's just interesting that they have faded away and really now I have a new set of things in which I get to indulge in.
- People smile at me at random times
- The amount of compliments I get daily is astounding
- Men/Woman find me attractive and go as far to ask for my number
- My privilege isn't check anymore
- I have become happier in the past few months
I never really understood or could even explain how when you fit into the binary that people will treat you differently. Not a bad differently but a difference one has never enjoyed. I've come to understand that I get treated different then the "Male" self had been treated. The respect I get from people is different. It's more or less a chivalrous respect. In my presence I find men try to boast their masculinity in a sense they want me to find them attractive. Like an Alpha Male complex I have come to realise exist. As well as Women, let me into their inner circle of friendship. I have found that women are more apt to befriend me because they realise I am female. This is so true at work. I've noticed that I have gone from "That Trans* person" to just "Tegan". As though people have washed from their minds the original person I had been. Which, it may seem little to them. It's a refresher for me.
From all of this has come a bigger understanding of the society we live in and how it all works. I truly can say that I have a deeper respect and understanding for the genders when I have transverse over both binaries. I know I don't really fit into either binary box of "Male" or "Female" but I think I have a good mix of it. Gender is fluid and I know I live that ideal everyday. In some sense we find ourselves a mix of both genders.
I never really wanted to fix into a box. I've honestly just wanted to be "Stealth" for a tiny time to just understand what it was like to be "Stealth" as well as to know that I was able to best that beast. Yet, I feel more accomplished in my mission than I thought I would become. Though, from this experience I've grown happier, healthier, and just more excited about living. Many people feel they do not fit society norms. I know for myself this has always been true. People are in the box and I'm just free falling off a cliff into another adventure.
Dating too has become something in which I didn't expect a change but it has. When it comes to the majority of the relationships I have held. I had to take the initiative because I was portrayed or seen by my partner as "Male" or "Alpha". Which, I can see with being who I am. I always feel it is important to take responsibility because majority of the time. No one else will. I rather don't mind it, but once in a while I want to know what it is like to be the "Female". I have gotten this treatment as of late and it's exciting. It's nice that men and women physically render me as "Female" in their heads and with that: comes a different type of interaction then the one I once had gained from them.
People who learn that I am trans*. They find it hard to grasp. I can recall earlier this week a women at work needed my assistance. I divulged to her that I had changed my name from William to Tegan. She looked right at me and her eyes got big "Really? You are kidding me?" I wasn't at all drawn back by it because I am very open about my identity and those who ask and want to know. I let it known to them. It's part of my idea of being who I want to be. Which is going to be the main point of "Treating Yourself Pretty: Part II".
Thanks,
Tegan Rowan Stryker
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