Goonies Never Say Die!

   So, for a year now I have been a smoker. Yes. I do like to smoke tobacco. I like the taste of cigarettes overall. Especially, my Camel No. 9s. Wonderful. Plus, I think it does make me seem 30% cooler.

  I don't think I've ever share my story of why I started to smoke. You know? Love is a wonderful crazy thing. It also is a vicious thing that destroys lives. In my life time, I haven't dated many folks. Overly a handful. I have slept with more? Highly. Which is just a human giving into primal urges. Nothing wrong with that.

  So, I met someone. She was fantastic in ways I don't think I could see a person as. I never shared much of what I thought. Which I think was a shame on my end. I think about her from time to time, but I will tell you what. Getting over someone that wonderful was hard. I did it. I faced demons I never imagined I'd slay and learned just about how far I'm willing to go to stop being in pain. It was crazy, stupid, and horrific. I hated every moment of it. I did get over it. It just took time.

  Sadly, one of the few remnants of that era of my life that follows me is smoking. Actually, it's probably the only thing I do from that time. I want to quit. I hurt when I think about it. Weirdly enough; I do. I think it would be me moving on. I think I need to fulfill this part of my life. I need to just stop, so I'm not living on your memory. You don't have that power over me.

  I've had some short but serious relationships this year. Met some wonderful folks and had adventures. Even some terrifying ones. Life is a roller coaster. I just feel... Maybe I should really let it all go. Just stop smoking and finally move on. That way I can actually try to sit down and connect with someone. Instead of feeling as though I cannot get close to another. Only because I feel that every time I let someone in. They destroy me further.

   This is why I force myself to be single. To get close to someone. Scares me. A grandiose amount! I would rather not even be involved in it. It's sad because everyone I have let in. In the past year. Has seriously hurt me. Made me feel like a sex project or fetish fulfillment.  Which, I am not! Not anymore. I'm strong.

Melancholy Life

  When I was younger my Grandmother use to always tell me "You font have to like your family. You do have to love them."

  It's not that I don't love my family. I do. I am and will always be a family oriented person. I think that is an important value. I mean, being alone is wonderful. I just like to think that it is nice to know someone out there loves you. It's a grandiose to tell someone you love them as well as just loving them. It improves life quality.

  As of late though, with all the hardships I have been enduring. I've come to realise people exist that are not family. That are people who treat me better than my family has. Does that make me sad? Yes. Disappointed? More so. These people have been courageous, enduring, and caring in times when I cannot be.

  I didn't get to spend the holiday with my family. I was sad about it. Very devastated to be honest. Just, things happened that have made myself feel. That I am not taken as serious as a person I should be. I'm tired of going out on a limb for my family and being met with not gratitude but as though it is just obligation.

  In my 25 years of life, I've done things that I shouldn't have had to do. For my family. Yet, I feel drained and used. I for a year of my life stepped aside from my life and many opportunities that would have taken my career and my life to better places. I was heartbroken about it, but why did I do it? My Grandmother was in the midst of a battle with Alzheimer's that took her life.

  Itself is terrible horrendous disease to watch manifest and slowly rip away someone you loved more than anything. Away from you. Can you do anything? No. You have to watch as the meds make them zombies. Watch as they struggle to make sense of the world around them. It's terrifying. They wander off, they keep you up for days on end, and they drain your overall ability to function.

  Why did I do this? That's what love for family is. I would have walked the earth and burned a world over to save her. One of the hardest things was watching as she forgot everyone else and just remembered me. It was weird. Saddening as well.

  Yet, my family was no where to be found. They didn't ask about her, they didn't call about her, and they didn't even help with her. They show up at the funeral in tears. I was disgusted.

  I'm bitter about it. As much as I am bitter about many other subjects. My family doesn't seem the bit interested in my health. Or helping me in what I want to say is a huge time of need for me.

  You know who has been there for me? My friends. My friends have been the best thing go happen to me. In more ways than one. Especially one of my friends. She has been the most caring, sincere, and amazing people to happen to me. I feel she goes out of her way daily to cheer me up. She has. She has made this whole ordeal manageable.

  The Christmas she gave me, was the best Christmas I've had in years. Sometime I haven't enjoyed since I was younger. Something I like to enjoy. She went out of her way to do this. I'm grateful for her everyday because the way she treats me. She has earned my loyalty forever.

  Christmas was a huge affirmation for me. I saw what a Christmas should be like. Not that my family wasn't on my mind the entire time. I just saw what being cared about means. Truly cared about. People I never dreamed of spending a holiday with and I did. It was a blast. The gifts, the fun, and the people made it worth while.

  I'm coming to terms with letting go of many issues, insecurities, and life mistakes. As well as trying to be hopeful about the future. It's scary right now, I don't know what to even think about. So many parameters and factors to process. Will I make the most of it? I plan on it. I do. I just hope I make it worthwhile.

I'm feeling capable of...

The title of this piece is from a favourite Euro electro-indie band: CHVRCHES. Yes, it is all capitalised. Not the point. The entire piece chorus being:

                 "I'm feeling capable of
                       Seeing the end
                  I'm feeling capable of
                           Saying it's over."                                                                                 
                 - Tether - CHVRCHES

The interesting feeling the song gives you I feel is: A coming to grips with the end of something. A loss of any kind. I'm going through a great deal of loss as of late. One of them being the loss of my apartment. Something I wished wasn't happening. Sadly, something I cannot change.

I remember the first night I spent in this place. It was literally myself, a coffee table, and clothes. I had a cell phone for music, playing cards, and pen/paper for writing. It was like that for a month. I wasn't doing anything but playing cards and listening to music. Something I like to now, yet I have like video games, telly, and a mass of other shit to do. 

Anyway, my neighbour walks in from across the hall. We live in a four family building. So, just four of us reside here. We have gotten close. I think they are all wonderful people. Whom I am glad to know. My favourite: Charlotte.

Charlotte is a very loud person. Like myself. Probably actually louder. If that is possible. She speaks her mind and just lays it down. Doesn't matter your opinion. She just says it. I like that about her. I'm very opinionated and so is she. She makes me food and loves to talk. Which I cannot lie. She makes the best soul food you'll put on your mouth. Her Greens...damn.

Well, on my first night Charlotte comes to my door and knocks. I get up and answer it. What do I see: Charlotte and in her hands the fattest blunt I've ever seen. No lie. She hands it to me and says "Have a good first night."

Well, not to be someone to be so impolite. I ask her to smoke it. We have a blast! That was the first of many nights; we did just that.

Well, here I am on my last night here. Watching Simpsons and what happens? Charlotte is at my door, with another fat ass blunt, and says "Have a good last night." She declined to smoke this one. I did. I had a blast. I really needed that. I started this place with so little. I built a life here. Now, I'm leaving home. I'm sad. I understand it has to happen. I think that is why I have become capable of letting go.