Putting on the Ritz

One thing that seems to rather be nibbling at me as of late is the idea of Gender Roles in society and how if someone breaks from these roles.  It seems that everyone goes nuts and just either cannot handle what just happened or shuns it like an old trench coat.  The simplest idea is that in today's society so many people play with Gender Roles outside of their Gender Boxes.  The sense is the people who are CIS-gendered themselves seem to be doing this as well.
    Let's take one of the oldest practices of Gender Roles and make it colourful!  "Chivalry"; was originally used by Knights as a code of conduct towards people in their kingdoms (a greater portion of Chivalrous acts where put towards the Females).  A single fact I think we fail to know about Chivalry is that when I Knight wanted to "Mark his Territory" over a single Female, he would perform acts of Chivalry to proclaim that said Female was his.  As most Woman where owned by men in those times.  Women where property and at many times where traded to save kingdoms or to better relationships with other kingdoms without their consent.
   Ideally, the right of a woman was know and accepted. It wasn't until the 1900s when Woman finally started to make such a huge movement that it gathered momentum and finally landed Women full rights as citizens and people in most of Western Civilization as well as Europe.  The fact that Women had to fight for this long is widely crazy to comprehend because it should have been never an option to oppress anyone because their gender was different.
    Nowadays, we have people who embrace roles that in society we place on a certain gender because the characteristics match that of qualities we expect from a single gender.  Like homemakers.  We expect homemakers to be of which gender?  Female.  Why?  Because it means for you to be someone who nurtures children all day, cleans the house, and makes the meals.  So we have Nurturing being a big characteristic there.  Well, I personally know Men who have taken on these roles and done a swell job and in some cases a better job then those of their equal opposite gender counterparts.  Does that mean a single gender is better?  No, it just means that some people have a better grasp of situations and can make the best of them, sometimes, better than others.
    Personally, I fulfill gender roles on both sides of the Gender Spectrum.  I love to assume roles for both Genders.  I go out and chop down trees, come inside cook dinner, and even make up the beds.  Frankly, I love to clean, do laundry, cook meals, dig ditches for projects around the house, and open up doors for anyone.  I like to go out and make the monies, come back home and fulfill these duties as well.  We fail to understand that individuals who are single do fill most gender roles at all times as well.  We need to be more aware that Gender Roles are just roles.  Whom fills said roles does not depend on the gender they are, but the person they are.

Lasting Impressions

  Curiosity is something in which the world is full of.  Everyone is curious about something and moves to make that curious part of them... fulfilled.  Now, the interesting thing about curiosity is the single fact that is can be about any subject matter.  The idea that curiosity fits any person, place, or thing.  It's universal in that fact.  What even more interesting about Curiosity is when... it can be placed by a person onto a person.  I rather think I do not have an interesting life, but only because I live my life.  I guess we are our worst critics and I have the worst review for myself sometimes.  Only because growing up my self-esteem was basically non-existent because let's face it.  Children can be cruel to those who are very different from the "Norm" children are encourage to believe in society by our failure of a public education system (let's face it.  It's lacking more than the essentials needed to develop our youth for our modern age beliefs.)
     So, basically two topics are coming alive right now!  The first topic is the most by far interesting for myself.  My family is quite a curious bunch.  Especially when it comes to "Tegan".  I think for the most part the idea of my existence as it is; is understood but still not fully grasped.  Which, is no ones fault.  It's quite a baffling topic to myself.  I just am really along for the ride that is my body.  I would honestly have it no other way.  To be fully honest, I find the idea of being curious towards a person who breaks many "Norms" as well as Gender Barriers to be a point in the right direction for a person.  Only if their curiosity is positive.  It can become an unhealthy obsession.  I've seen this happen first and second hand.  A singular idea of someone being curious is grand, but the questions can both be repetitive and sometimes obstacles themselves to grasp (if you yourself have never asked them to yourself).  I get to reflect not only on myself but on someone else's interest.  It's quite flattering and daunting at both times.
     We know that educating a person is quite a grand thing to do. As, when you educate someone on obscure topics "Gender Expression", "Sexual Orientation", and "Gender Roles" can be used as examples of topics that can be delve into to a point that everyone in the conversation throws their hands in the air and goes "FUCK THIS!".  When you arrive at this point.  So many questions are presented that you go out and learn more.  Curiosity at it's best.
     Another topic is Self-Esteem.  Sometimes, I find it interesting to look back on where I have come from and look at where I stand now and go "Wow, this moment defined a piece of who I am today."  That's great to have that reflection because it can be a building block of your self-esteem.  Now, in all our lives Self-Esteem fluxing based on the circumstances we currently have in our life..  It's all circumstantial.  Sometimes you can be top of Mount Everest and sometimes you can be in Challenger Deep.  When I was in Public School.  I was openly gay as well as Trans*.  In which, people both praised my "Bravery" and proceed to harass me to points in which I wanted to destroy myself.  Which, honestly I hope no one has to ever be that way about themselves.  I since leaving school have been defining myself and not looking to others for the appreciation I need in my life.  As I appreciate myself.  Which is valid.  So, self-esteem should be yours to define and make what you will.  Being a person is quite a grand experience because life is a roller coaster and always leaving you wanting more.  "Live as free as your hair." - "Hair" - Lady GaGa.  Honestly, the most inspiration quote I have ever lived by.  If not for that, I'd not be who I am on this day in time.  Remember, we need to be the best we can be, to shape the world.

~ Tegan Rowan Stryker

Reflecting Pools... Not Always For Swimming

      This week has proven to be one of those moments in time, where one can (when they grow older) can look back on a say "This really was a pivotal time in my life.".  Saying that is really something I am proud to be able to say.  I've gotten closer to a few people this week who I have been wanting to get closer too as well as found that being who I am, does not matter in the slightest to these people either.  Sometimes I describe myself as a carcrash. "I'm a Car-Crash, but then I have to get up." The line originally comes from the song "Underwater" from Tegan and Sara.  The meaning that I derive from the line is that as myself I believe I am a handful.  My mental capacity to mold gender to what I will, honestly has terrified a few people.  I consider myself to be "Genderqueer" or "Genderfluid".  Meaning that I jump between gender roles as well as mental states at my will.  It's quite an interesting feat.  I was talking to my Mother earlier this week and she had asked me about how I feel about myself.  So, I told her that "You know it is like this.  Last week I went outside, I chopped down a tree, and finally came inside to paint my nails."  I just jump between masculine and feminine all the time.
      I for the longest time was battling this feeling of losing a part of myself because I was very feminine but also had masculine traits.  Luckily, one of my friends is the biggest Genderfuck this is of the planet!  So, with his help he really helped me affirm myself.  Since then, I am glad to say that I really do not give the slightest "fuck" about what I do with myself.  I exist and live my life, what I do with my life is of my own accord.  So, it's nice to finally be in the spot in my life.  People may be confused by it, yet, I deal with it quite well.
      It's like this modernness belief that we have to associate everything that happens in society to a certain extent to Gender.  Clothes, Mannerisms, and Appearances for example.  Then, when you have these people that break from this normalization state and be who they want to be.  It's like the world just goes "Oh no! We cannot have that!" Either the world tries to rectify you as a person, assume you to be a person of which you are not, or finally just write you off.  In the sense, I struggled with this ideal state of mind.  I wanted to fit in a gender box for the longest time.  In the past year, I've broken from this and realised.  Who the fuck cares! On that note I leave you with this:  Would you rather sit in a box and be condemned to a life in which you hate to lead or would you want to be the best you can be and do what you deem correct for yourself?

Top and Bottom

In life, I have found that the most fitting on times are the ones we are literally never ready for.  Like that moment when you do something you have wanted to do because you are given the opportunity to do such.  I have this opportunity when I was 15.  My life has been "Tegan Rowan Stryker" since I was 15.  I have never looked back, and yet sometimes it's harder than most people can seem to imagine.  All this political nonsense and agenda that makes it hard for people who break from the "Gender Norms" are those who have stepped out of the box.  Yet, in life, stepping out of the box is a red flag for being persecuted and slandered.  The change I have seen to the Trans* community where I live has been the most interesting thing I can imagine.  In just a short time roughly 9 months,  we have grown in numbers that reach about 100.  That's the visibility we need to get started to become better at being who we are.  To make the waves we want and in the time frame we want.  All these people are necessary, brave, and awe inspiring.

    In the short time I have known all the people I have.  They give me the strength that I once found hard to have.  I may never have had their experiences or had their tribulations.  Though, the thought of them sharing their lives with me.  That truly is the best thing a person can ask for.  To be part of their lives and live their lives now with them.  That's what is giving me the power to get up every day and say "Hey, I exist!"  I've had a hard time validating myself for the longest time.  With their help, in the past year.  I've made more strides in both internally and externally.  Something that is harder than most could imagine, but now that I am here.  I can sigh my relief and live not only for myself, but for those about me.

    Learning that the world can shape you is scary, but what's even more scarier is when you get to the point that you notice it has. My experiences have led me to this point in time... right here, right now.  I can say that I have changed more so since I was 18 than I have in any other time frame.  It's both scary and exciting, because to be who I want to be I need to do this.  I've been contemplating doing several things (distancing myself from people, running for a seat on a very important board, and finally starting a project that is going to shape the way we work as a collective in our area).  I've made the decision on two of three.  The third is the hardest, because I love the people I know.  Sadly, to do the work I wish to do.  I have to be a different person.  Honestly, I think it's time to have that come to light.

    In a final note: I hope we all can move forward and attain the ideals we set for ourselves.  It's quite a gamble when you think about how to go about matters at hand.  Though to have that final decision.  That's the biggest gamble because someway, shape, or form.  It can affect those about us.  We live for ourselves and yet, it's a fallacy and flaw sometimes.

Tegan Rowan Stryker